How to Talk to Girls on Video Chat

Most advice on this subject is about being impressive, which is aiming at the wrong thing. You've got roughly ten seconds before the other person decides whether this is a conversation or not, and nothing impressive fits into ten seconds. What fits is being easy to talk to. Much lower bar, and you can actually learn it.

The First Ten Seconds

Two things are happening at once when a match lands. She's deciding whether to stay; you're deciding what to say. Handle the second one badly and the first one answers itself.

So say something immediately. Not the perfect thing — anything. A pause reads as "this isn't going to work" to both of you, and it's the most common way a chat dies before it starts. Make it a question, too. A question hands her something to do; a statement leaves her holding nothing.

Four Openers That End Chats

• "Hi." Gets a "hi" back and leaves you both exactly where you started.
• A compliment about her appearance. It's the first thing everyone says, which makes it the least interesting thing you can say — and it quietly frames the next five minutes as an assessment.
• Asking for another app straight away. Reads as wanting to be somewhere else, before there's any reason to be.
• Nothing at all. Waiting to see if she speaks first is a coin flip, and you lose it more often than you win.

Getting Past the First Answer

Most conversations don't die at the opener. They die about thirty seconds later, when the small talk runs out and nobody has anywhere to go.

The fix isn't a bigger supply of topics. It's noticing that every answer you get already contains the next question. She says Colombia — that contains which city, what time it is there, what the weather's doing, whether she grew up there, what people do on a Friday. You don't have to think of a new subject. You have to be interested in the one already sitting in front of you.

Follow that thread and a two-minute chat becomes a twenty-minute one without either of you working at it. If you'd rather have something prepared than improvise, forty questions sorted by depth is the companion piece to this one.

The Language Thing

A lot of the conversations here happen between people whose first languages are different, and most men treat that as a problem to get past. It's usually the opposite. Speak a bit slower, use shorter sentences, drop the idioms — that's the whole adjustment. Someone practising English with you is paying complete attention, in a way that someone idly chatting in their own language often isn't, and those turn into the longest and warmest chats on the platform.

Two things not to do: don't apologise for her English, and don't correct it unless she asks. Both land badly for the same reason — they move the conversation from talking to being marked.

Things That Matter More Than What You Say

Light

A lamp in front of you. If she can't see your face she can't read your tone, and every joke lands flat. Worth more than any opener on this page.

Sound

A quiet room beats a good microphone. If she's straining to hear you she'll skip, and she won't tell you that's why.

Where you're looking

Glance at the camera now and then, not only at her image — on a phone that's the small dot at the top. It's the difference between seeming present and seeming to watch television.

Your posture

Sitting up changes your voice, and she can hear it. Lying down changes it too, in the direction you don't want.

How to End It

Nearly every chat ends and most of them end fast. That's the format, not a verdict on you.

If you've been talking for more than a minute, say something on the way out — "it was nice talking to you, have a good night" takes two seconds and is the entire difference between leaving and being rude. And go slowly on swapping contact details, in either direction. A good conversation isn't by itself a reason to hand over another account; if she's worth talking to she'll still be worth talking to tomorrow.

The One Rule Under All of This

Talk to her the way you'd talk to somebody standing next to you in a queue: interested, unhurried, and completely prepared for it to go nowhere. The men who do well at this aren't the charming ones. They're the curious ones.